I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
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“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Spotted in New Orleans.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.