my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
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My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’