William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
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The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Peace was never an option
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.