Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
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Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Just how popey was the pope today?
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.