So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
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I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …