Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
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i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
2022 will be better than 2021
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.