Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
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Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.