#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
I am having an out of money experience.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
crying
A friend sent me this.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
i meant to share this earlier
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”