I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
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If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT