The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
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If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
How do you like your Corgi?
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week