What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
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[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
is this meant to deter me
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.