I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
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it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
(Electricians.)
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great