“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
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My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed