I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
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Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.