*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
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me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.