looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
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Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.