She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
You Might Also Like
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*