If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
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The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
This is a true ally.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.