Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
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“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it