My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
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Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
“You’d better run, egg!”
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.