astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
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dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
This was my dad’s browser history.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”