judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
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After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
KFC hitting the cannibal market
[loses house key, starts a new life]
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise