*exercises sarcastically*
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[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I鈥檓 making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Dear All,
During quarantine it鈥檚 normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
If you need a smile today, here鈥檚 a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 馃槀鉂わ笍
can鈥檛 talk rn I鈥檓 busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Can鈥檛 wait to see my CW鈥檚 face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don鈥檛 play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson