My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
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me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me