me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
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[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
idk what this dog had been going through but same
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”