He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
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A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.