“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
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“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
me when i see my girls butt
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
THIS HEADLINE
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!