bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
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when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Plant care tips
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
jesus christ confetti not now
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
My dryer is celebrating lint.