Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
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Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.