I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
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dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
me 2 months after i graduated
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
be careful
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”