Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
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I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
sistine chapel
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look