He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
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[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*