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Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
🤣dope
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.