When your man makes a valid point
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You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
starting a garage orchestra
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.