I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
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Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
OH. COME. ON.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.