It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
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I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
(yawn)
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.