Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
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Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?