Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
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I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
choose your fighter
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.