“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
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“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I need this for my side hustle.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Jurassic park gets weird
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order