I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
You can’t rush stupid.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
🙁
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.