who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
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Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!