if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
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*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Feels
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.