I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
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If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”