*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
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Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.