5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
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Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.