As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
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you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park