I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
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Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)