Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
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Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
#oldknees
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again