[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
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Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.