Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
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I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.